Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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