You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
