he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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