Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
