My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
