Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
