I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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