I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize