Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(713): View more from Texas

You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?

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(707): View more from California

There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.

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