soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
