Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
