this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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