Jerry, you need to find god
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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