She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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