I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
