Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
