Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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