Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
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