update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
