just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Who died my cat blue again?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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