shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
try to milk me bitch
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
