is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
