I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
