when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
