just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
