so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
