TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
