a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
