so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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