apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
