After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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