you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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