Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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