There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.