god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
