I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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