i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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