oh god the rape fog is back!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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