Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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