i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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