Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
