I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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