Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
