Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
