the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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