I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
