my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
