so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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