I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
