I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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