so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
