I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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