YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
