two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
