she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
