So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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