hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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